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Monday, August 19, 2013

She is not a failure

As I was watching Oprah interviewing Lindsay Lohan, I hear her say she has entered rehab 6 times. This interview made me replay a conversation I had with my in laws regarding my mother. It was the last time my mom relapsed and as she entered rehab AGAIN. I was sitting with my in laws explaining my disgust with my mother and my mother in law, who I will call Sue, said "you know she loves you". I looked her in her eyes and said "Sue, I don't believe that anymore." My father in law, who I will call Jack, then something that completely changed my way of thinking. He said "At least your mom keeps trying." It was like he slapped me across my face and told me to wake F#$& up! Every time my mom has relapsed and entered another rehab facility I have looked at her as a failure but the words that came out of Jack's mouth made me realize she is the only alcoholic or addict who is in my life that has actually tried to get clean and sober. She is the only one who has gone to rehab and yes she has been many times but instead of looking at it like as a failure why don't I see it as it is!?! Which is she is fighting this disease with all that she has and every time it defeats her she gets right back up and tries again. I realized in that moment she was the one person who I am the hardest on, I throw her shortcomings in her face every chance I get because the anger and resentment I have in my heart. Every time she relapses I have let her know the disappointment and my lack of confidence I have in her that she will ever stay clean. The words of my in laws during that conversation, almost a year ago, have never left me and those words made me begin to look at my mom with respect which I never did before.