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Thursday, August 15, 2013

Maybe

Tomorrow is set to be a big day. I am to attend my first Al Anon meeting! I have been contemplating going to a meeting for the last 2 years knowing I can benefit from it but just never made it a priority. Before that I was NOT going to attend an Al Anon meeting, period! I have lived my life with my world revolving around addicts and I was not going to give them any more of MY time! My thought began to shift when I watched a made for tv movie about how Al Anon got started and it got me thinking. To put it simply- the alcoholics would meet inside a house while their wives would just sit in their cars for an hour . They wouldn't communicate with each other, mostly out of shame and embarrassment until the wife of one of the AA founders realized these woman were out there so she invited them in for refreshments and they began to share their stories.  A support group for those who live with an alcoholic was created. A place where"victims" of alcoholics &/or addicts can feel safe and know they are not being judged. A place where their peers understand. For a long time I was too embarrassed to talk about my mother and father's addictions. Especially my mother's because my father wasn't a constant in my life but my mother was. So having a single mom who was abusing drugs was embarrassing. I now realize as she continues to work on herself I too need to work on myself. I hope that Al Anon can help me understand addiction as a disease because I have always struggled with that thought. I can't help but feel that is more an excuse. When an alcoholic/addict describes addiction as a disease all I hear is the blame being put else where, no responsibility for their choices/actions. Maybe Al Anon can help me understand addiction, maybe??? If I can understand the idea that addiction is a disease then maybe I won't have so much heart ache. When someone you love is an alcoholic/addict you, or I, tend to feel like they don't love me enough. As I mentioned in my first post, I hope that Al Anon will be helpful with removing the triggers that take me back to being a broken child. Someone can say something that has nothing to do with me but if I can relate it to my life with the alcoholic/addicts I become flooded with negative memories. I try to shake it off but there are times I can't which usually causes me to lash out. Maybe Al Anon can help. I don't want to yell at my mom, start an argument with my husband or someone close to me, or just be in a really bad mood because of something that happened years ago. I try to calm myself but some times the emotions are too strong. For example, recently I was in a car with some friends. One person mentioned their childhood pet which made me think of a puppy I had once, named Tuck who I loved! That led to me thinking that I had to get ride of him because, once again, we had to move. We lived with one of my mom's ex boyfriends because she had just left her fiancĂ© and now we are moving into an apartment which got me thinking about thinking about 2 other puppies  and 3 cats I had as a child that ended the same way. We had to get rid of them all because of another move and these were all different instances. I had to interrupt myself while sharing about Tuck because the memories in my head were upsetting me too much so I had to just end that conversation. I don't want that any more! That is just one example, I have thousands and I need to either learn to control my thoughts or learn ways to ease the pain from my past and maybe Al Anon can help.