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Monday, August 26, 2013

Daddy's Girl

I remember the exact moment I became a fatherless daughter. The exact moment when my Daddy became a stranger to me. I was 5 years old. After that day I would never again see him on a regular basis and the time between visits became longer and longer. I never expressed my heart ache to him with fear that if I did I would never see him again so I continued to set my self up for disappointment. I continued to look for him in the stands at a game knowing the odds were I wouldn't see him. I continued to wait on the curb with hopes he would pick me up when he promised he would knowing the odds were that he wouldn't be there. I was told at a young age that my dad was sick, he was an addict. I was told he was living the life he was raised with, so he didn't know better. As a child, and let's be honest even as an adult, I couldn't relate because I felt like if you had a difficult childhood wouldn't you do everything in your power to make sure your children had it better than you? If your father wasn't there for you, wouldn't you make sure you were there for you children? The last time I set myself up for disappointment was when I was 26 years old. That was it for me. I waited for him at a restaurant to discuss my upcoming wedding. I wanted to tell him my fiancĂ© & I had paid for a tuxedo for him to wear and I wanted to explain that although he would not play a role in my wedding I still wanted him to be there. I waited in that restaurant for 30 minutes and he never showed up. I went from being a 26 year old woman to a 6 year old little girl who was, once again, waiting for her daddy. I walked slowly out of the restaurant then ran to my car where I sobbed and yelled at myself because I was so mad that I allowed myself to feel this way as an adult. As I child I didn't realize that my expectations were too high for him to reach because of his disease but as an adult I shouldn't have known better! For most fathers, meeting your daughter to discuss her up coming wedding would be a no brainer but for my dad, I believe, he was afraid to hear what I might have said so he didn't come. That was the first and only time I expressed to him my feelings. I called him at work and he tried to say he was there at the wrong time so he waited for me and then had to get back to work which could have been possible if I didn't arrive 1/2 hour early and speak to the hostess about the man I was waiting for which she in returned said nobody had come in with that description. He had multiple excuses but this time I didn't want to hear it. I just told him all I wanted from him is to show up. I wanted him to want to be my dad for one time in his life. I was crying and speaking loudly, passionately. Trying to make him hear me that I don't need much, I just need him to want to know his daughter. In the end he yelled in the phone "I hope you have a nice F#$%ing wedding and a nice
F$%&ing life!" then he hung up. So my fears which kept me from expressing my feelings in the past came true. If I try to tell him how I felt, I would never see him again. I didn't speak to him for 6 years until he found me over the internet. In those 6 years, I married, had 2 children, and began to heal the wounds he left me with. I now see him as a man that gave what he could and although he didn't fulfill my needs, I believe he loves me. Its been a process and will continue to be but most importantly I had to learn that I can not set myself up for disappointment again. No, I will never get the chance to be a Daddy's girl and it's ok if I mourn that from time to time but I can not dwell on it anymore.  He's not a bad man he just wasn't the best father therefor I have to see him as a man vs my Daddy, otherwise I will never heal. I speak to him from time to time and I'm really proud of him for the new life he has created and wish him nothing but happiness. What makes me happy and has filled that void he left is watching my daughter with my husband. My daughter is a Daddy's Girl and the joy that brings me is greater than any pain brought on by the fact that I didn't get the chance to be one!